Idiocy to the Nth Degree
by Kara1626
Summary: Is Harm really that dumb? Why yes, yes he is. WARNING: Contains non-consensual spanking of an adult. Reader beware.
1. Chapter 1

**Canon? What canon? And the characters, naturally, aren't mine. All hail Mr. Bellisario!**

**WARNING: Contains non-consensual spanking of adults. Reader beware.**

The Admiral looked around the table at his gathered staff. He decided that he had gathered a pretty good group, if he didn't say so himself. There was Bud, the young, green, but very promising Lieutenant. Bud had a knack for finding the little details that others often overlooked. Eager to please, clumsy and gullible, but yes, very promising.

There was Major MacKenzie. That was one squared-away Marine if he'd ever seen one. Smart, quick-witted, beautiful in a simple, classic way. She also was usually eager to please. But boy does that girl have a temper on her! The Admiral held back a chuckle as his gaze drifted to the man seated next to him.

Lieutenant Commander Rabb. What a piece of work! In the courtroom, he was usually careful, logical and he knew how to charm a jury. Outside the courtroom, he was an impulsive risk-taker, but still very charming.

It had occurred to AJ that all three of his team members had something in common: None of them had healthy relationships with their fathers. Sarah's father had been an abusive alcoholic. Harm's father had died before Harm had really gotten a chance to know him. And Bud's father, while still alive, was also an abusive alcoholic. Three young adults. Three damaged relationships. Three different coping mechanisms: Bud, working so hard to please everyone around him, especially the people he cared the most about. Sarah, stifling her feelings and constantly putting up walls, allowing only a very select group of people into her inner sanctum – and then only usually as far as the front porch.

And then there was Harm. Constantly pushing the boundaries. Constantly testing the limits. Constantly in trouble for something. AJ had known what he was getting himself into when he'd agreed to hire Harm. He'd seen the man's Annapolis file. He'd read the report from Harm's previous CO's. Oh, he knew what he was getting. And some days, he really regretted taking on such a challenge…Yesterday had been one of those days.

* * * * *

By 08:15, the Admiral was already ready to bang his head against one of the oak-paneled walls of his office. And all he'd done so far was read Harm's report on the Michaelson case. After the first paragraph, he put it aside and reached for Mac's report instead. As expected, it was orderly, well thought out and, most importantly, unbiased. When he had no choice, he again picked up Harm's report. Harm was a bad loser, especially when he was pitted against Mac, and his report reflected that character flaw very clearly. This report too was orderly and well thought out, but it was anything but unbiased. He attacked jury for being "old and stodgy". He attacked the judge for being "moldy". And he attacked Mac's work on the prosecution for being "emotionally-charged, short-sighted" and – the word that made AJ slam the file shut and grab the phone – "stupid".

After ordering Harm to his office ASAP, AJ slammed the phone into the cradle and started to pace the room in an effort to cool down. Five minutes later, his cool-down walk was heating up. He walked forcefully back to his desk and grabbed the phone. The other end went unanswered. Amazingly, the phone did not break with the force with which it was again returned to its cradle. Also amazingly, the door did not pop off its hinges with the force with which it was yanked open.

"Lieutenant!" he barked at Bud. "Where is Commander Rabb?"

"Uh, I don't know Sir," Bud responded hesitantly as he jumped to his feet. "He was here a minute ago," he continued, twisting around trying to look in every direction at once.

"Well when he shows up again, tell him I want his ass in my office yesterday!" And with that, he returned to his office and slammed the door with impressive forcefulness. He then resumed his furious pacing.

Two minutes later, the door was again nearly ripped off its hinges in response to a quick knock. "Get in here, Rabb!" the Admiral shouted. Every head in the front office turned to look toward the deafening order and then almost immediately returned to things their owners were finding oh-so-interesting. The reverberating slam of the door signaled the all-clear and ten heads again popped up and looked warily in the direction of the JAG's office.

Inside the office, the Admiral was beyond fuming, but before he could stop sputtering enough to get a word out, Harm held up a file. "Sir, I believe _this_ is what you're looking for." The trademark grin met the trademark scowl and bulging vein.

"What the hell is that, Commander?" the Admiral spit out.

"This, Sir, is my report on the Michaelson case," Rabb said, still grinning, but slightly less confidently.

The Admiral spun around and whipped the file off his desk. "Then what, may I ask, is _this_?" he shouted, holding up the folder very close to Harm's face.

The grin disappeared. "Uh, that? Sir?" Harm stammered a bit. "I don't know." The Admiral practically hurled the folder at Harm who took it and opened it. As he read the first paragraph, all of the color drained from his face. "Sir, I uh…" he stopped and swallowed hard. "You weren't supposed to see this," he finally said, quickly dropping his gaze to the floor.

"What?" the Admiral said, still clearly angry. "Then what the hell was it doing on my desk?"

"I'm not sure, Sir. It must have gotten mixed up in my other files." Harm was momentarily at a loss for words. Then he realized what had happened. "I must have given that to Mac by accident last night when she was pestering me for my report. I forgot that I gave her a file to get her off my back. Sir, I swear, I never meant for anyone to see that. It was just a joke."

The Admiral took a step back and studied Harm's face. He didn't appear to be lying and the shock on his face as he'd realized the file had made it this far had been genuine. After a long minute and a final glare, he grabbed the correct folder from him and dismissed the young Commander. "I have no idea what you thought you were doing even writing something like this. But don't you _ever_ do it again. Dismissed!"

Harm made a hasty retreat. "Phew," he thought. "That was way too close!" He headed back to his office and shut the door. It wasn't until he was back at his desk that he realized the Admiral had been so focused on the bogus report that he'd failed to remember that Harm had kept him waiting. With any luck, he would never remember. And never find out why.

But luck was not on Harm's side today.

The intercom buzzed in the Admiral's office. "Sir, SecNav is on Line 1 for you."

"Thank you, Tiner." AJ picked up the phone. "Good morning, Sir. What can I do for you?" He listened for a minute. "He what?" he asked, incredulously. "I'll take care of it, Sir…no Sir, I don't know, but I promise you, it won't happen again." The poor phone found its way violently back into its cradle for the third time in less than half an hour. And the poor door was stressed once again. It was a rough day for the fixtures in the Admiral's office.

The angry Admiral pounded his way to Harm's office. The Commander wasn't in it. The angrier Admiral stomped over to Mac's office. Mac sat at her desk looking over a file. She jumped up when the Admiral popped his head in the door. "Where is he?" he demanded.

"I don't know, Sir." It struck neither of them as odd that Mac knew exactly who the Admiral was talking about. "He just said he had to go out for a few minutes, but he wouldn't tell me where."

The Admiral stormed out of Mac's office and back to his own. He picked up the phone and punched in the number for Harm's mobile phone. He hardly expected the Commander to pick up and was not surprised when the phone clicked into voicemail. "Commander, I got a call from SecNav and I know you know why. Consider yourself suspended for the rest of the day. I'll deal with you later. 19:00 at your apartment."

* * * * *

Harm pulled his car up to the curb, kissed the beautiful woman in the passenger seat just one more time and pulled back into traffic after watching her walk away. She had such a nice walk. He smiled to himself, then reached under his seat to retrieve his phone. He was pretty sure he'd heard it vibrating against the bottom of the driver's seat. Sure enough, he had one missed call and one new voicemail. He flipped open the phone and punched in his code. He listened for a moment, and cringed as he snapped the phone shut. Damn! He'd been caught.


	2. Chapter 2

At 18:58, Harm walked slowly to the door, letting out a long breath. He pulled it open and admitted a still-fuming Admiral to his apartment. It was rare to see the Admiral out of uniform, but even in civies, he was intimidating with that look on his face.

"Come on in, Sir. Can I get you anything?" Harm asked innocently.

The Admiral stared at his subordinate, trying to decide where to start. It didn't take long for him to decide. "The SecNav's daughter? You were kissing the SecNav's daughter?"

"Sir," Harm said, taking a step back. "I didn't know who she was at the time! I just thought she was…" he stopped.

"You thought she was whom?"

Harm grimaced. "I thought she was just a woman."

"What were you doing kissing her in the elevator? _Right behind_ Secretary Nelson? Did you think he couldn't see your reflection in the door?"

"I, uh…" Harm started to defend himself, but found that he had nothing to say.

"And what the hell were you thinking giving her that so-called report?" the Admiral demanded.

Harm's mouth fell open. "Sir, I didn't!"

"Then how did she get it?" he asked pointedly.

"I don't know, Sir. I swear…oh, except, I think I do." The Admiral's chin jutted out. Harm turned and walked to the kitchen. He leaned on the counter for a moment, then turned to face his boss. "I wrote my number on the outside of the folder it was in. I was in a hurry and forgot what was in there. I thought it was just…I thought it was trash." Realization dawned on Harm's face. "She gave it to her father, didn't she?"

"Oh, I don't know if she gave it to him, but he's seen it. And he's pissed as hell. And frankly, Rabb, so am I."

"Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't think…"

"No, you didn't. And that's your problem. You didn't think before you wrote that report. Or maybe you did – doesn't matter. You certainly didn't think before you started kissing a strange woman in the elevator. I really don't understand how you didn't know she was SecNav's daughter…" the Admiral trailed off, stumbling over a thought. "They didn't acknowledge each other?"

Harm blushed. "Sir, I don't think they knew each other were there. In fact, I didn't know SecNav was there until after we got off the elevator. He was walking in front of us and I recognized him. Samantha must have been so busy looking at me that she didn't notice him either. He left the building while she and I were standing in the lobby. I left her down there while I…" He really needed to learn when to stop.

"While you what, Commander?"

Harm sighed. "While I went back upstairs to hand in my report. The real report." The Admiral was instantly furious. But Harm decided to come clean and spare the Admiral the trouble of asking questions. "I didn't want to leave Samantha hanging. So I took her down to the lobby to wait for me after you called, then I went back upstairs. Bud told me that you were still looking for me when I came out of the head"

"You kept me waiting while you made out with a woman and hit the head?"

Harm hung his head. "Yes Sir."

"So, Mr. Rabb," he said dangerously, "you disobeyed me so you could hook up with a woman. Then you gave that woman a report that you had no business writing in the first place. And that woman gave that report to her father, who happens to be the Secretary of the Navy. Her father, the Secretary of the Navy, then called me to tell me that I should keelhaul you for even thinking to write a report like that. Does that about sum up the events of the day?"

"Yes Sir," Harm answered, barely loud enough to be heard. He again dropped his head and stared at his shoes. It was at that moment that he became extremely grateful that the Admiral's paddle was tucked safely inside a desk ten miles away. But the clink of metal brought his head up sharply.

"Get over here, Rabb," the Admiral ordered, while slipping his belt out of the loops of his jeans and folding it in half menicingly. Harm moved slowly toward his boss, never taking his eyes off the belt. The Admiral motioned Harm over to the couch. Just as he was about to bend over, the Admiral stopped him. "Loose the jeans." Harm looked up and opened his mouth in protest, but the look on the Admiral's face made him close it, unbuckle his own belt and push his jeans down to his knees. "Shorts too," came the not-completely-unexpected order. Harm hesitated for just a moment before pushing his boxers down to meet his jeans, then slowly bent over the back of the couch.

"Do you understand why I'm doing this, Harm?" the Admiral asked quietly.

"Yes Sir," Harm answered, lifting his face out of the couch cushion.

"Tell me."

Harm thought hard. He fought away the thought that he just wanted the spanking to start so that he could concentrate on coming up with an acceptable answer. "I let my ego get the better of me when I wrote that bogus report, I carelessly gave it to someone I barely knew…and I disobeyed you."

"Good, I'm glad we're on the same page," the Admiral said matter-of-factly, then raised the belt and brought it down hard on Harm's backside. The sound of leather hitting skin reverberated around the room as the belt fell over and over. Harm was really pretty sure he was going to die, he just wasn't sure if it would be from the pain or from the embarrassment of having his bare ass whipped by his boss.

The strapping lasted longer than Harm wanted, but not as long as he'd expected. The Admiral was being careful with the belt and stopped spanking Harm as soon as he saw some of the welts start to change to a deeper red. He slowly put his belt back on as he let Harm catch his breath. He then leaned over and helped the younger man stand up. Harm quickly pulled his pants up before turning around to face the man who had just taken out a day's worth of frustration on him.

When he finally felt secure enough in his ability to speak, Harm looked up. "I'm sorry Sir. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. And I'm sorry you had to take a belt to me. I'm sure that was almost as hard on you as it was on me." He grinned as the Admiral gently touched his chin, then gathered him into a fatherly hug.

"I know son, I know," the Admiral said quietly. He gently pushed Harm away and held him at an arm's length. "I know there's just no sense in telling you that I never want to have to do that again." Harm laughed through his choked back tears. "I just hope I don't have to do it again any time soon." Harm nodded, then looked down at the floor. The Admiral looked at him for a moment longer, then let go of Harm's shoulder and turned to leave. "I'll patch things over with SecNav."

"Thank you Sir. I appreciate that." He looked up. "And Admiral? I appreciate you not letting me get away with anything. Even if I don't necessarily appreciate _how_ you do it."

The Admiral laughed. "I'll see you in the morning, Commander."

Less than a minute after the Admiral left, Harm heard a knock on the door. He'd retreated to the bathroom to check the damage, but quickly pulled his pants back up and went to answer the door. He shook his head as he looked through the peep hole, then pulled the door open.

"So," Mac said with an evil grin on her face, "what did you do?"

Harm stepped back and let Mac into the apartment. "How do you always know when I least want to see you?" he said, returning the grin.

Mac pulled him around to face her. She studied his face for a moment. "I was waiting up the street until the Admiral left. What happened?"

Harm pulled away, walked across to the kitchen and brought back two bottles of juice from the refrigerator. He handed a bottle to Mac, the returned to the other side of the room to lean against the kitchen island. "You tell me," he said slyly.

Mac took a long sip. "Ok, so I slipped the bad report in with mine. But I thought you gave him the right one later. He was really that mad?"

Harm almost dropped his juice. "You did that on purpose?" he said in disbelief.

Mac shrugged and flashed her best smile. "I didn't think you'd get in _that_ much trouble! But I told you it was a dumb thing to do, didn't I?" The look on Harm's face was dangerous. "Harm, I'm sorry. I really didn't think he'd take it that seriously."

Harm allowed her to go on apologizing for a few minutes, but eventually, Mac's voice reached a new level of desperation and decided he'd better stop her before she blew a blood vessel. "Mac, stop!" he said, still leaning nonchalantly on the counter. "That report was the least of my transgressions. Trust me – I'm pretty sure it was making out with SecNav's daughter and then accidently giving her that report that was my downfall."

Now it was Mac's turn to be shocked. "Wow! You really are an idiot!"

"Thanks Mac. That really helps," Harm said trying to act hurt.

Mac recovered quickly, stood up and walked over to Harm. "So," she said, circling him slowly. "What did he do to you?"

Harm put his hands on Mac's shoulders, turned her around and steered her toward the door. "Thanks for stopping by, Mac. I'll see you tomorrow."

"What did he do?" Mac asked, trying to turn around. But Harm was stronger than she was and she soon found herself in the hall.

"Maybe if you're really nice to me and let me win the next case, I'll tell you someday," Harm said with a smile, then closed the door. He shook his head again, then headed to his bedroom and flopped down onto his bed. On his stomach.


End file.
